I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
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Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
(Electricians.)
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers