Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
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[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Natural selection at its finest
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.