TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
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My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
cry laughing at this shit
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call