Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
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UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer