Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

o shit

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played