I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
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My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”