I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
You Might Also Like
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
me before I type out affect or effect
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.