If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Here’s a meme
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MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”