If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
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My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
it’s finally my moment to shine
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
how much for the angry fruit?
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.