Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
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My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn