Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage