Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
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I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking