@MadHatterMommy

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

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@tornebrook

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

@Reverend_Scott

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

@ddsmidt

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

@chuuew

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

@MoneypennyNaked

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

@Schroofles

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

@ALamri_DD

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

@graceupongracie

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

@thehedrick

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her