My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”