Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
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You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Love this guy
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
we’re dead?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad