“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
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AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.