Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
and now we wait
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
The dark side of Canada
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.