dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
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[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me: