For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
You Might Also Like
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Sending in my taxes
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.