“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
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Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip