Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
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Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
🤣🤣
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”