Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
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[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail