I identify as an antique shop.
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I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?