A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
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Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Mad Max: Furry Road
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.