[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
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The only equipped I am is ill.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?