A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.