A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.