Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other