[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
You Might Also Like
not for long
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
🍞🦆
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop