not for long
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A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.