My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
philosophical skeletons be like
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.