It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
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Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*