ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
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“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My work here is don’t.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one