If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
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My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Namaste
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
can’t bark with your mouth full
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying