@MrEd_EVH

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

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@Fred_Delicious

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

@johnfreiler

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

@theshantilly

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

@thedad

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

@TheOldFolksHome

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

@amydillon

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

@CraigChamberlin

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

@Amanisnotadoor

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

@jackiembouvier

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside