I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
You Might Also Like
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Every damn time