BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
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T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside