[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
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911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I can’t wait!
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I’m so full I could puke a horse
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi