as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
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How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
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We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.