I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
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*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
worst…sale…ever
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens