I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
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Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.