I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
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It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Spring cleaning checklist…
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.