Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
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Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?