Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
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The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
meanwhile over on facebook
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
dude it’s called proctologist
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.