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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
#SaturdayBears
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Duck typos.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day