It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
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When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada