I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
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If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos