A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
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At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My what?
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.