[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
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“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
🤣🤣🤣
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Why am I like this?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown