“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
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just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
It’s a gift
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!