The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
You Might Also Like
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.