me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
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A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
hmm conte-me mais
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?