Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
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Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%