The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
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me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.