I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
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Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.