2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
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I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection