2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle