[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

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First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)


pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”


‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.


[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100


I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life


[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*


“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back


[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.


When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him