@EndhooS

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

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@ShootyDoody

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

@bourgeoisalien

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

@michaeldean0116

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

@iwearaonesie

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

@C00LpenNAME

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

@jctwritesstuff

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

@amydillon

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

@ericsshadow

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

@counterfeitingl

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him