movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
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My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
*lint rolls you awake*
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there鈥檚 butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I can鈥檛 move mountains but I can shift blame.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
i was NOT expecting this 馃槶 watch till the end
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I get more offended when my dog doesn鈥檛 say hi when I get home than if my kids don鈥檛 acknowledge my presence.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they鈥檙e SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?