*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
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*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
what
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.